2025 Haters’ Guide to the NL Central #5: Milwaukee Brewers

At least you’re not a Brewers fan! Oh, wait… my bad.

*Please Note This Is Satire*

I usually write serious articles. This is not one of them.

So, about a month and a half ago, I published a series of satirical articles intended to poke fun at our NL Central rivals. Some of you thought they were funny; most of you probably didn’t. If you didn’t catch them when they came out, you can read each entry here:

Cubs

Cardinals

Pirates

Reds

I wrote all these articles in one big batch and published them across a couple of weeks. I’d check in with the comment section of each one just to see how they were received, which is where I noticed something that surprised me:

Leche010: Ok, I gotta ask is someone writing one of these about us for other team’s fans? And if so, can we see it?

brewman0732: At the end of this series are we going to get a hater’s guide to the Brewers only because I feel like that could be an entertaining read?

Jacob.Szukalski: Hey, Adam, if you happen to read this, quick question:

I remember you saying you would potentially do an NL Central Hater’s Guide to our team after finishing up our rivals. I think it’s been a month now since the last article with, I wanna say, the Cubs, and I don’t believe that Brewers Hater’s Guide article has come out.

Is it not coming out anymore? Did you forget about it? Or, did something else happen?

Honestly, I hadn’t originally planned to write a Brewers entry. Brewers fans make up 99% of my readers, obviously. I didn’t want to completely alienate my audience because I still write serious articles and want you guys to actually read them.

The other, more selfish, reason is that I — as a lifelong Brewers fan — had a lot more fun hating on Cubs fans than I would Sal Frelick.

However, those comments made me think of a quote most commonly attributed to world-renowned philosopher and orator Chelsea Handler: “Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.”

If I can’t laugh at myself, or the team that I support, then I’m no better than a Cubs fan who thinks Pete Crow-Armstrong is as good as Willie Mays. So, yeah, here we go. Remember, you asked for this.

Owner: Mark Attanasio. To quote the (absolutely hammered) guy who sat next to me at the last Brewers game I went to, Attanasio is “a *burp* cheap sonofab***h.”

I’m not saying the Brewers should be spending like the big-market Cubs, but Milwaukee ranks 24th in the league in total payroll. Attanasio has spent about $105M on the roster this season. For some context, the Crew rank closer to the Las Vegas A’s of Sacramento ($77.5M) than their division rivals, the St. Louis Cardinals ($135.5), in terms of total payroll. Milwaukee is pretty much smack dab in between the Pirates ($90M) and Reds ($116M).

The Brewers do, admittedly, do a really good job of building competitive teams while not spending a lot of money. Milwaukee has reached 90 wins in each of the last two years and three out of the last four. If you look at the teams who spend about what they do (Nationals, Guardians, Pirates, and Reds), it’s impressive the Brewers are in the playoff race right now.

Among the teams that rank in the bottom half of the league in terms of total payroll, Milwaukee currently has the second-best record (behind only the Tigers). Thank you, Matt Arnold and the front office! Imagine how good they’d be if they spent an extra $20M.

President of Baseball Ops: Matt “Not David Stearns, but pretty good” Arnold.

Among his greatest hits:

• Trading Esteury Ruiz for William Contreras and Joel Payamps
• Trading Corbin Burnes for Joey Ortiz, DL Hall, and Blake Burke
• Trading Devin Williams for Nestor Cortes and Caleb Durbin
• Trading Justin Jarvis for Mark Canha
• Trading Jace Avina and Brian Sanchez for Jake Bauers
• Trading Taylor Floyd for Trevor Megill
• Trading Bradley Blalock (8.32 ERA in the minors) and Yujanyer Herrera for Nick Mears
• Trading Mason Molina for Grant Anderson
• Trading Yophery Rodriguez, John Holobetz, and a competitive balance pick for Quinn Priester
• Selecting Isaac Collins in the Rule 5 Draft

As the GM of a small-market team, Arnold has had to trade two legitimately All-Star caliber players — Williams and Burnes. He managed to get multiple good players out of each deal (assuming Cortes comes back healthy). Arnold has also done a great job finding contributors for cheap — Mears, Canha, Bauers, Collins, and Megill, to name a few.

Sadly, he also traded for the malignant tumor that is Jesse Winker, which cancels all of that out.

Manager: Pat Murphy, who thinks Nick Mears is the solution to all of his problems.

In all seriousness, it’s pretty hard to make fun of a guy who won NL Manager of the Year in his only full season. Murphy led the 2024 Brewers to a 93-win season and a division title. As I’m writing this, Milwaukee is 13 games over .500 and within shouting distance of first place in the NL Central.

I can still make fun of him a little for:

• Benching Isaac Collins in the second game of a doubleheader after Collins went 4-for-4 in the first game of the doubleheader. When you have an opportunity to get Eric Haase in the lineup instead, you take it.
• Putting one-handed William Contreras (97 OPS+ this year) in the lineup every single day without fail. Haase could definitely hit .236 with a .690 OPS for two weeks while Contreras heals up, and the Brewers are going to need him at full strength if they want to make a run.
• Jared Koenig (4.04 ERA) somehow has even more appearances than Grant Anderson (2.82) and Mears (2.50). Koenig would be the best reliever of all time if you only needed two strikes for a strikeout and two outs in an inning.
• Rolling with a bullpen management plan that consists of using only his leverage guys, no matter what. I want someone to love me as much as Murph loves Nick Mears.

Murph gave an interview a couple of weeks ago after using Mears for two straight innings. Mears ended up giving up the tying run in the second inning. When asked about it, Murph basically just said “yeah, and I’ll do it again! Even if we’re losing!”

The quote kind of suggests he has a few different plans, but all of them no doubt involve Mears. Murph, you had Mears warming up in the second game of a doubleheader after pitching him in the first game. You love him too much for your own good.

On July 5, in a 2-2 ballgame against the Marlins, Murphy pulled DL Hall at 23 pitches (after six straight outs) to bring in… who else? Nick Mears, for the third time in four days.

Mears immediately gave up three hits (two earned runs) without getting an out, because pitchers — contrary to popular belief — need days off to pitch well. At this point, his arm is probably permanently on ice when he’s not pitching.

Arnold should hire someone whose sole job is to remind Murphy that he doesn’t need to pitch Mears every single day. I guess if the Brewers pitch him in every game until he becomes an unrestricted free agent (2028), they probably won’t have to pay him.

Position Players Worth Mentioning:

In previous editions of the Haters’ Guide, I would pick and choose the players I wanted to mention. This time, I’m sparing nobody. Again, you asked for this.

C: William Contreras, who currently has the 12th-worst slugging percentage in the league. The 2025 version of Xander Bogaerts is slugging higher than him. Please, William, for your own good, take a few days off and let your finger heal. Blink twice if Murph is blackmailing you.

1B: Rhys Hoskins Andrew Vaughn, who did 4+ years of hard time with the White Sox and came out looking 40:

2B: Brice Turang, a Platinum Glove second baseman who would also be a Platinum Glove shortstop if he could throw the ball to first without injuring himself.

SS: Joey Ortiz:

Since this tweet, Ortiz is 3-for-24 (.125) and got benched — twice.

3B: Caleb “We Have Jose Altuve At Home” Durbin. Durbin would have been an All-Star in the dead-ball era. He’s scrappy, gets on base (.335 OBP), and ranks second in the league in hit-by-pitches. He’s also average height for 1920.

Like I said, he’s basically ethical Jose Altuve. Of course, 50-year-old Altuve still has four times as many home runs as Durbin this season, even without anybody banging a trash can to help him out.

LF: Isaac Collins, whose OPS (.776) would rank second on the Brewers if it qualified. I’ve been championing him as one of the best defensive outfielders in baseball, which I truly believe he is. For whatever reason, every time I watch a game recently, he does something to prove me wrong.

CF: Jackson Chourio, the answer to “what if Ronald Acuña swung at every single pitch?”

RF: Sal Frelick, the surviving member of the Wiemer-Mitchell-Frelick trio that was supposed to take the league by storm. Like Durbin, he’s the perfect Brewer — gets on base, always has a dirty uniform, will never hit 20 home runs in a season.

DH: Pete Davidson with a bad back.

Bench: Anthony Seigler: ambidextrous but can’t hit right-handed.

Eric Haase: basically just position player Easton McGee (he doesn’t ever play).

Andruw Monasterio: hitting .195 but can play literally every position! The perfect Brewer.

Jake Bauers: hitting .050 in the first eight innings and .600 in the ninth. This isn’t a real stat, but you believed me, didn’t you?

Pitchers Worth Mentioning:

Freddy Peralta: The best pitcher in the league through four innings.

Brandon Woodruff: White Yovani Gallardo (hits dingers). The player most affected by the NL’s decision to implement the designated hitter.

Jacob Misiorowski: Dorky Randy Johnson. Probably aggressively fist pumping right now.

Jose Quintana: Will be traded at the deadline because the Brewers have 1000 pitchers and half an infield. It won’t matter who they ultimately trade for, because the Brewers are allergic to infielders who hit more than 10 home runs in a Brewers uniform. If Eugenio Suarez ends up in Milwaukee, he’ll forget how to hit. Remember Jonathan Schoop?

Quinn Priester: Such an awesome name, why doesn’t he have an awesome nickname? I’m disappointed in you, Milwaukee fans.

My favorites:

• The Father
• Father Quinn
• Q-Ball
• The Priest
• Quinnsanity
• The Priestman Cometh

If you don’t think these are good enough, come up with a better one. Quinn Priester is too cool of a name for fans to refer to him as “Quinn Priester.” He should have a section of fans who wear priest robes for his starts.

Bullpen: BAH GAWD is that Nick Mears’ music??

Trevor Megill: Megill is tied for fifth in the league in saves, with 21. He only has three blown saves all year. Megill needs more love, so I’m not going to make fun of him. At least until he blows another save.

Abner Uribe: Don’t f**k with Abner Uribe.

Nick Mears: Scroll up.

Jared Koenig: I have a little brother who groans audibly every time the broadcast shows Koenig warming up in the bullpen. He’s definitely had more good outings than bad outings this season, but it doesn’t feel like it. Also, scroll up.

Grant Anderson: If you look up Grant Anderson on Google, the first photo that comes up is Easton McGee. No, seriously, click it.

Easton McGee: Just like Haase, I can’t make fun of a guy who never plays. He’s named after a bat company, but he’s a pitcher — that’s kinda funny, I guess. Free Easton McGee.

Aaron Ashby: Lights out when he’s not on the IL.

DL Hall: DL stands for Dayton Lane. Dayton Hall and Lane Hall are both way scarier reliever names than DL Hall.

Injured List:

Rhys Hoskins: His home run numbers have been deeply affected by whatever curse plagues Brewers infielders.

Blake Perkins: Isaac Collins, but a worse hitter.

Garrett Mitchell: Only player on the 120-day IL.

Robert Gasser: Amazing in five starts last year, then immediately needed Tommy John, because of course.

Nasty Nestor Cortes: Last seen putting up a 9.00 ERA through two starts before being placed on the 60-day IL. Guess what his ERA in last year’s World Series was? Also 9.00. Is that good?

Rob Zastryzny: The final boss of Polish last names.

Connor Thomas: Thomas’ ERA (20.25) is over six times higher than Jake Bauers’ ERA (3.60).

The Former Brewers Worth Mentioning Section, Sponsored By Norichika Aoki:

Before I get into this, I have to mention two players I can’t bring myself to make fun of:

Prince Fielder, who I maintain would have been a Hall-of-Famer if neck injuries hadn’t ended his career prematurely. Great human being, too, from personal experience. Due to these two factors, I will leave him out of this.

Nori Aoki, my all-time favorite Brewer. Fourth-best Japanese outfielder of all time after Ichiro, (kind of) Shohei Ohtani, and Hideki Matsui. Incredible smile. Argue with a wall.

Now, here’s what you came for:

Eric Thames, otherwise known as Korean Barry Bonds, had the hardest nickname of all time — God. People literally referred to him as God when he played in Korea. So cool.

He also fit in well in Milwaukee. To quote Thames, “Milwaukee has great beer. I love beer.”

When Christian Yelich was traded to the Brewers and went on his MVP run, I wasn’t able to enjoy it nearly as much as I should have. Why, you might ask? I was terrified that at any moment he’d be suspended for PEDs. Thank you for searing that into my brain as a nine-year-old, Ryan Braun.

It bothered me less that Braun took steroids and more that he repeatedly lied about it:

“If I had done this intentionally or unintentionally, I’d be the first one to step up and say, ‘I did it.’ By no means am I perfect, but if I’ve ever made any mistakes in my life, I’ve taken responsibility for my actions. I truly believe in my heart, and I would bet my life that this substance never entered my body at any point. I’ve always stood up for what is right.

Today is about everybody who’s been wrongly accused, and everybody who has had to stand up for what is actually right. Today isn’t about me; it isn’t about one player. It’s about all players. It’s about all current players, all future players, and everybody who plays the game of baseball.” — Ryan Braun, 2012

Thank you for championing the wrongfully accused, Ryan Braun. If Braun was OJ’s lawyer, OJ would have gotten 25-to-life.

As you may remember, Braun was ultimately suspended in 2013 after “overwhelming” evidence surfaced that he did indeed do a bunch of steroids. The worst part of that suspension was that it gave him all the time in the world to design those horrible T-shirts.

I started watching the Brewers really young, so there were a ton of Brewers that I remember as being really good who were actually pretty bad. For example, Yuniesky Betancourt, whom I remembered as a solid hitter and above-average defender.

Back in reality, Yuni B had a 75 OPS+ in his first season as a Brewer and a 61 OPS+ (-2.3 WAR) in his second and final season. He apparently wasn’t content with robbing only the Brewers organization, going on to commit insurance fraud in the state of Florida.

Guess what abstinence advocate Matt Garza’s up to now? If you guessed “getting thrown out of his kid’s 9U Cal Ripken game and subsequently being restrained by an umpire,” you were correct! Fans of Garza can buy his bobblehead for $3.99 + tax at Goodwill.

Eric Sogard and Garza overlapped with the Brewers in 2017. I bet that was awkward. I wonder if Garza still thinks that “certain people can’t shut there (sic) woman up!”

Remember when Craig Counsell forgot how to hit a baseball for like two months? As a manager, Counsell couldn’t manage a bullpen to save his life. My theory is that he doesn’t understand the difference between good pitching and bad pitching because he couldn’t hit either.

Nyjer Morgan would 100% have a TikTok account if he played today.

Never forget Carlos Gomez, the sworn enemy of Gatorade coolers. I can’t decide what the funniest CarGo moment was. It might be him bat-flipping on a triple. Or trying really, really hard — and failing — to break his bat. Or playing dead after getting hit by a pitch. Or running groin-first into Jake Bauers.

JJ Hardy built an entire baseball field in his backyard. If you build it, Rickie Weeks will come.

The Brewers have a long tradition of All-Star closers who do stupid stuff off the field. First they had Francisco “K-Rod” Rodriguez, who got arrested for domestic violence twice and assaulting his father-in-law outside Citi Field once. I wonder why he got in a fight with his father-in-law?

Then, they had Jeremy Jeffress, who kept getting arrested for smoking weed. I don’t support locking anyone up for marijuana offenses, but this was back in the day when it was classified as a “drug of abuse” and MLB would suspend you 50 games for a positive test. I definitely don’t support my closers getting suspended.

After Jeffress, the Brewers had Josh “white power, lol” Hader, perhaps the number one example in support of my viewpoint that teenagers shouldn’t have access to the internet.

After Hader came Devin Williams, who fought a wall. The wall won, obviously.

John Axford’s only crime was being a film buff. Corey Knebel’s only crime was being exceedingly boring.

The Ballpark: American Family Field seems like a great, wholesome name for a ballpark until you realize it’s named after an insurance company. At least they’re originally from Wisconsin and don’t deny claims for no reason.

The Fans: Passionate and educated die-hards who show up even when the team sucks. The best fans in the league, according to my (extremely biased) opinion.

The Brewers’ most visible fan is Front Row Amy, who’s mainly famous for being attractive. Definitely representative of the average Wisconsinite.

Brewers fans, in the aggregate, can’t agree on anything. Literally anything. To give you an example, a couple of days ago, Pat Murphy benched Joey Ortiz for not listening to the Brewers’ hitting coaches. He then called him out publicly, which Adam McCalvy quoted in a tweet. These were the top three responses to that tweet on Twitter/X:

Many Brewers fans, like sports fans in general, also have a tendency to overreact to short-term outcomes. If a Brewers player has a bad couple of games, they’re terrible and should be DFA’ed/traded. If a Brewers player has a good couple of games, they’re great, and anyone who’s ever pointed out any flaws in their game doesn’t know ball.

For another example, let’s return to Joey Ortiz:

A couple bad at-bats later:

The City: Cream City!!

Milwaukee has experienced a bit of a renaissance since the late 90s. The lake is actually blue now, and the Deer District is a really fun part of town that used to be not-so-nice. If I won the lottery, I’d spend a not-so-insignificant portion of it at the meat stands at the Milwaukee Public Market.

I used to make fun of fried cheese curds, a local delicacy that seemed extremely unnecessary until I actually tried fried cheese curds. They’re awesome.

Milwaukee is really, really f***ing cold in the winter. You know how in Dubai or Arizona or whatever you can fry an egg on your car? In Milwaukee, you have to thaw your eggs because they freeze solid on the drive home.

Milwaukee also has ghosts, apparently? Carlos Gomez is scared of nothing except the Pfister Hotel.

Here’s an incredible Justin Upton quote on the Pfister:

“From the minute I walk in there, I’m freaked out. The whole place, the creepy lights on the side, everything. I have to sleep with the blinds open and the lights on. Next time, I’m finding another hotel and paying for it on my own. I can’t sleep there.”

I have fun every time I’m in Milwaukee because I have family and friends there. At the same time, I don’t think I’ve ever been to any of the tourist attractions, probably because I’m doing what the locals do (drink, eat, hunt, fish, swim in lakes, drink). That made me think: what are the tourist attractions?

The top four, according to Google:

The Milwaukee Art Museum, which features all the art that Chicago’s art museums didn’t want.

The Harley-Davidson Museum, which is cool, if niche. I swear they used to have a mini one in the airport, presumably so Harley enthusiasts don’t have to leave the airport.

Milwaukee County Zoo, which is like the San Diego Zoo but way smaller. Even worse, they have exactly zero pandas. I don’t understand why anyone would go to a zoo if you don’t get to hang out with pandas. Look at how cute these pandas are:

The fourth tourist attraction is American Family Field, which I highly recommend.

Thank you for wasting 10 minutes of your life reading the special Brewers edition of the Haters’ Guide to the NL Central. Feel free to meet me in the comments with questions, comments, concerns, and angry rants. Remember, you asked for this.