At least you’re not a Reds fan!
*Please Note This Is Satire*
I usually write serious articles. This is not one of them.
Trash talk has been an integral part of baseball since its inception.
All the way back in 1912, Ty Cobb ran into the crowd during a game to beat up a fan who was yelling some … less than savory things at him.
To be very clear, I don’t condone violence, nor racism, nor ableism. I do, however, support the First Amendment and the inalienable right to talk sh*t.
As a baseball fan, you yourself probably talk at least a little trash. Even the most mild-mannered of Brewers fans has said something less than kind about an umpire, or Jesse Winker, or Manny Machado. I know it’s always better to take the high road, and I encourage you, reader, to do so as much as possible.
However, if you’re going to talk trash, do it well. Do it effectively.
This guide is for those of you who like talking trash about our division rivals. This is for the Brewers fans who want to make sure that their Cubs fan coworker thinks twice before referring to AmFam Field/The Field Formerly Known As Miller Park as “Wrigley North.” Next time your buddy from college won’t shut up about how great Paul Skenes is, or about how *insert NL Central team here* won a World Series before the Brewers, come back and find this article. I promise it’ll inspire you.
Welcome to the 2025 Haters’ Guide to the NL Central. First up: the Cincinnati Reds
Cincinnati Reds
Owner: For a long time, it was Marge Schott, who made Kanye West look like Mother Teresa. Schott allegedly owned a literal “collection of swastikas.” Bud Selig pressured her into selling the team after she repeatedly used racial and homophobic slurs in multiple interviews.
Notable Schott-isms include:
- “Sneaky goddamn Jews are all alike.”
- “Everybody knows [Hitler] was good at the beginning, but he just went too far.”
- “Some of the biggest problems in this city come from women wanting to leave the home and work.”
These are the ones I deemed tame enough to include. The full list is here if you can stomach extreme and unabashed racism.
Carl Lindner Jr., the guy who owned Chiquita Banana, bought the franchise from Schott. While under Lindner’s ownership, Chiquita was found guilty of torture, extrajudicial killings, crimes against humanity, and war crimes in Colombia.
Yeah, you read that right. Lindner’s company funded Colombian terrorist organizations that killed thousands of people. This guy was the upgrade!
After the Nazi and the war criminal, the Reds decided to upgrade again. Bob Castellini’s only crime is being incredibly cheap. Castellini has opened his pocketbook to the tune of … one playoff appearance since 2014. In Bleacher Report’s list of MLB’s worst owners, Castellini ranked 27th out of 30 — in between the Monforts (the owners of the Rockies) and John Fisher, who is currently wanted for extortion and fraud in Alameda County, California.
While B/R’s list is delegitimized by ranking Fisher above 30, this is a sentiment shared by many Reds fans. I’ve been guilty of giving Mark Attanasio grief, but Castellini (and Pirates owner Bob Nutting) make me want to send him a handwritten thank you card.
Manager: No longer content with being aggressively mediocre, the Reds replaced David Bell (.473 win percentage in six seasons) with Terry Francona. Francona, once referred to as a “worthless player” by legendary baseball writer Bill James, has had a long and successful second act as a manager. He’s won two World Series (with the Red Sox in 2004 and 2007).
Francona’s last World Series appearance ended with his team, formerly known as the Indians, choking away home-field advantage against — you guessed it — the Cubs. Francona is the reason that the Cubs, a historically pathetic organization, won their first title since before Henry Ford introduced the Model-T. Cubs fans have bragging rights over us because of you, Terry. It’s all your fault.
This is Francona’s first season as a manager since 2021. He attributed his absence to repeated health issues going back to his time with Boston. Francona’s son Nick attributed his absence to (allegedly) letting Mickey Callaway sexually harass half of northeastern Ohio. Go be with your family, Terry. Don’t put your body through that again just to finish third in the NL Central.
President of Baseball Ops: Nick Krall, who got his start with the Moneyball A’s and just so happens to look like a skinnier, older version of Jonah Hill from Moneyball (2011).
Reds fans seem to be high on Krall. He was hired in September of 2023, when the Reds had a top-five farm system in the league per MLB Pipeline. Their farm system now ranks 11th. Krall oversaw last year’s 77-85 season, five games worse than 2023. As a Brewer fan, thank you.
Position Players Worth Mentioning: Credit where credit is due — Elly De La Cruz is a stud. He’s really fun to watch and a legitimate franchise cornerstone. I’d still rather have Chourio, but De La Cruz should make at least a few All-Star games in the next five years.
Kenosha native Gavin Lux has been raking (.302/.396/.422) since joining the Reds this season. He’s from Wisconsin, so I’m not gonna say anything bad about him. Also, he’s started games at both third and shortstop this season. Come home, Gavin.
Matt McLain had a standout season as a rookie in 2023 before missing all of last season with a shoulder injury. He’s hitting .168 this year with 18 hits. Joey Ortiz is hitting .175 with 22 hits. Matt McLain is the Reds’ two-hitter. If Pat Murphy had Ortiz hitting second right now, there would be a repeat of Ten Cent Beer Night at AmFam Field. Except with better beer. Again, thank god for Attanasio.
Pitchers Worth Mentioning: The Reds’ ace is former No. 2 overall pick Hunter Greene. Greene is really fun to watch — his fastball hangs out around 100 mph and tops out at 104. He had a breakout season last year, pitching to the tune of a 2.75 ERA and making his first All-Star team. Greene will most likely be condemned to the same fate as Aroldis Chapman — serving as one of the main draws for a mediocre ball club. Like Chapman, Greene will inevitably be traded to the Yankees (or Dodgers) for prospects.
Brady Singer, who is also a pretty darn good pitcher, came over via trade in the offseason. I always liked Singer because of this — the dude seems like a genuinely good human being. He’s a breath of fresh air given that previous Reds stars preferred to spend their paychecks on strip clubs, guns, drugs, and gambling.
Nick Lodolo has been pitching very well so far this season. He’s also only pitched two full seasons in his career and is now 27, also making him a prime candidate as a Yankees/Dodgers/Mets trade deadline acquisition when the Reds inevitably realize they aren’t contenders.
The Ballpark: Great American Ballpark is right on the water, which adds the fun little twist of players very occasionally hitting “splash hit home runs.” It’s like the Giants’ stadium, where a well-hit ball to right field sometimes ends up in the San Francisco Bay. Giants fans will often hang out in the ocean in canoes and battle for home runs and foul balls. You don’t want to do that in the dark brown Ohio River.
The Fans: Reds fans are probably my favorites in the NL Central. In my experience, they share many of the qualities that make people from Wisconsin special — kind, family-oriented, hard-working, and hard-drinking. The second result on a Google search for ‘Cincinnati bars” is a Yelp page titled “BEST OF Cincinnati, OH Day Drinking.” My kind of people.
Reds fans are usually also Bengals fans, so this is an obligatory reminder that their team spent half of the salary cap on three players and will now be forced to field an offensive line consisting of Canadian Football League backups and whoever the best player at the University of Cincinnati is. Former Reds setup man Jonathan Broxton was 6’5”, 310 lbs — maybe he could play left tackle?
The City: In my opinion, Cincinnati is — by far — the best city in Ohio. Not a tough choice to make when you consider the alternatives: Cleveland, Toledo, Akron, Columbus.
Unlike Milwaukee, Cincy isn’t known for its beer. What they are known for is this absolute abomination. Everyone I’ve met from Cincinnati has raved about Skyline Chili. Unrelatedly, Cincinnati ranks among the fattest cities in America (and therefore the world).
Next up: Pittsburgh Pirates